I was 19 when I remember first hearing that “you shouldn’t talk to your parents about your marriage issues. That’s a no-no.” I was surprised at the idea. Not talk to your parents? But I tell my mom everything, I thought. Especially the things that are upsetting me.

I’m grateful that I learned that lesson several years before getting married so it was never an issue. In fact, I was a bit too closed to talking with my mother. To the point where I practically shut her out. Also not a good idea. 

The Bible teaches all men and women to leave their father and mother and cleave unto someone new (Genesis 3, KJV). It can be a daunting task, but we don’t have to sever family ties completely. Elder Marvin J Ashton expounded upon the famous Bible verse about leaving father and mother: “In leaving father [and] mother . . . it was never intended that they now be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted. They are still family, a great source of strength” (Ashton 1974).

Where, then, lies the boundary? 

The idea of creating a martial identity separate from that of in-laws or others is perpetuated in the book Helping and Healing Our Families. One method of creating a distinct marital identity is explained as follows: “It helps a newly married couple to think of themselves as existing together inside an invisible fence. They share information and behavior with each other inside that fence, and that information and behavior is not meant to be shared with others outside the fence-not with future children and certainly not with parents-in-law” (Harper 2005).

To step outside of the fence by complaining to a parent about your spouse’s behavior can be seen as a sign of betrayal, and it should. Have you ever felt closer to a parent than to your spouse? Or bonded with a parent at your spouse’s expense? Triangulation is a term everyone should learn. It occurs “when communication either builds a stronger relationship with the parent than with the spouse, or excludes the spouse”  (Harper 2005). At times when triangulation has caused spouses to drift apart, repair is needed. That invisible fence can serve as a great protection to your marriage. Have the conversations that are needed today to strengthen your marriage and redefine boundaries. 

Ashton, M.J. (1974). “He took Him by the Hand.” Ensign.

Harper (2005). “Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families.” Helping and Healing Our Families.

On the Sabbath day whenever possible Latter-day Saints gather to partake of small pieces of bread and sips of water, which are emblems of the sacrament signifying Jesus Christ’s atoning sacrifice for all mankind. It is a reminder of the promises we made to God to always remember Christ and keep His commandments that we may be like him. In essence, we are striving to become unified with Christ. In return for keeping this sacred promise or covenant, we are promised the blessing of God’s Spirit or Holy Ghost to stay with us always. 

There was a time my husband and I were arguing before church. I found it hard to forgive him and I held a certain degree of resentment in my heart. I do not remember what provoked me but I remember feeling like my heart was constricted and I seriously questioned if I should take the sacrament in such a state. I will not advise you, reader, as to what you should do in such a situation. But as for me, after prayers and searching in the gospel library app for direction, I decided to attempt repair of the relationship by apologizing. Being the kind man he is, my husband accepted the apology quickly.

The sacrament seems to be a way to keep us accountable after we have made the commitment to follow Christ. This propels us forward toward continual cleansing and renewing which will improve relationships. Henry B. Eyring shared the following: “When we keep our covenants to take His name upon us, to remember Him always, and to keep all His commandments, we will receive the companionship of His Spirit. That will soften our hearts and unite us” (Eyring 1998).

He continued to list two warnings that come along with this promise. The first is that to enjoy the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost, we must not love the things of the world more than God. To love God with all that we have will bring the Spirit of God into our souls, which is a prerequisite for truly becoming one (Eyring 1998).

The second warning is to “beware of pride” and that the protection from pride is to “see the bounties which God pours upon us . . . [as] an opportunity to join with those around us in greater service” (Eyring 1998). This means to recognize blessings and use them to serve others. I know that it is Satan that causes relationships to fail through contention and anger (3 Nephi 11:29-30, Book of Mormon). May we consistently choose to yield to the enticings of the Holy Spirit (2 Nephi 2:16, Book of Mormon) and enjoy being unified in Christ’s power. 

The Book of Mormon. Trans. Joseph Smith, Jr. Salt Lake City, UT: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

Eyring (1998). “That We May Be One.” Ensign, May.

• 

Natures Can Be Changed

I believe in the opportunity for eternal progression given to each individual, and that repentance can change our very natures. That means that the sin-sick, sex-addicted soul can become Godly. The very weaknesses that weigh them down can be cast off. Through proper repentance and spiritual maintenance, they can be whole again. Weaknesses can be replaced with strengths as described in Ether 12:27 (Book of Mormon). The spouse of a sin-sick, sex addicted soul will feel great sorrow. They will mourn. That is part of the process. But change and healing are very possible. 

Marital Sex Conversations

With that aside, I wish to speak about sexual relationships within marriage. Why is it sometimes a difficult subject to talk about? I am sad to hear of couples who never learned to talk about sex and those who have reached adulthood with childhood questions unanswered. Some prefer to ignore the subject and stay ignorant by choice. But there comes a time to learn about it. Sex between husband and wife is not bad. 

Consider this quote from a prophet: “It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love” (Kimball 1982). Marital sex is ordained of God.

Difficulty May Stem From Childhood

People need to start talking about sex. Parents, talk with your children about it. Children, talk with your parents. Spouses, talk with each other. You may have heard that if you don’t teach your children, the world will. If there is a computer in your home, do you allow your child to spend unsupervised time surfing the web? If your son or daughter has a smartphone, have you talked with them about the criminal offense of child pornography? How early did you explain the sin of masturbation to your daughter or son? Have you ever considered that it wasn’t early enough and they are already struggling with it? 

In 2010 the primary general President warned, “The world will teach our children if we do not, and children are capable of learning all the world will teach them at a very young age. What we want them to know five years from now needs to be part of our conversation with them today” (Wixom 2010).

It is my earnest belief that parents have a serious responsibility to discuss appropriate sex with their children. This is relevant to marriages because children who grow up thinking sex is an uncomfortable topic are more likely to have difficulty discussing it with their spouse in the future. If that describes your upbringing, rest assured knowing that if you are alive and breathing, it is not too late. Do what you have to do to get past the uncomfortable feelings of this topic and bring the truth to light. Do what it takes to forgive your parents, caregivers, leaders, and teachers for not teaching you. 

Kimball (1982) Intimacy in Marriage; The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball.

Wixom (2010) Stay on the Path. General Conference Address.

When I was newly married, there was a disagreement that seemed impossible to resolve because we both had deeply rooted core values that we were unwilling to give up. We were trying to resolve an unresolvable problem. Statistically speaking, most marital problems are unresolvable or “perpetual” (Gottman 2015 p.138). That does not mean they have to be a great source of pain and conflict! Gottman noted this about reaching compromise with perpetual problems: “your purpose is not to solve the conflict . . . Instead, the goal is to defang the issue, to try to remove the hurt so that the problem stops being a source of great pain” (Gottman 2015 p.253). For my husband and I, each time we talked about the issue, we both felt unheard, unsupported, and that our greatest personal dreams were threatened. In the end, if I’m being truthful, I think he surrendered some of his core value for the sake of keeping peace between us. I was somewhat satisfied but less so when I noticed he couldn’t do it whole-heartedly. It seemed he was miserable with his new reality. Defeated. Neither of us got what we wanted. John Gottman teaches that “neither of you has to ‘give in’ or ‘lose.’  The goal is to be able to acknowledge and discuss the issue without hurting each other” (Gottman 2015 p. 237). 

The key to this sort of productive conversation is in kicking criticism to the curb by focusing on assessing and articulating your underlying dreams. The reason these conflicts hurt so deeply is that they are built upon dreams “rooted in childhood” (Gottman 2015 p.238). In Gottman’s book we read about Brandon and Ashley. Brandon had a dream of being “free in [his] own home” because his mother was “very concerned with appearances,” “kept the house overly neat,” and was always bugging him about being clean (Gottman 2015 p.245). His wife Ashley had a dream of “predictability, security, and peacefulness” which she didn’t have in her childhood and successfully felt through being clean and orderly in her own home (Gottman 2015 p.246). Just by learning of each other’s dreams, couples will start to understand and feel more willing to support each other. This is just the first step. Perpetual problems like these will never go away and they arise in every marriage. The wonderful news is that they do not have to be a source of deep pain. 

I believe the Lord will strengthen us much like he strengthened those as recorded in Mosiah 24:14-15.

“And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs . . . And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord” (Book of Mormon).

This is not to say that our fate lies in the Lord’s hands. We make decisions that determine destiny (Monson 2005) and work out our salvation (Book of Mormon, Alma 34:37). Making decisions and acting for ourselves is a key necessity of life. It takes effort to work through problems in a marriage. But we are not left to our own strength to accomplish the task. 

The Book of Mormon. Trans. Joseph Smith, Jr. Salt Lake City, UT: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Gottman (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Monson (2005) Decisions Determine Destiny. BYU Speeches.

Think of minor annoyances and disagreements between new spouses that are still figuring each other out. Why can forgiving the small things be so hard? At times individuals feel that the unfair situation won’t be corrected until the offense is acknowledged as wrong and worthy of punishment. So they hold on tight to their hurt feelings, assuming it will grant them the validation they deserve while their partners fail to apologize and comfort them. People today may feel that being treated as they want to be treated is a human right. They withhold affection if their partner isn’t being affectionate. They think their partner deserves affection only when they are being kind and pleasant. When expectations go unmet and minor agreements are trampled underfoot, they withhold affection because they don’t feel their partner deserves it or they don’t want to award bad behavior, much like training an immature puppy. This condescending pattern of thought is not helpful. Critical thoughts, even when never spoken aloud, will negatively affect spousal relationships. Don’t deny yourself the pleasures that can be found within a loving relationship. 

I loved these insights from Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage: 

“Recently a good man wrote to me with a great insight: ‘I have realized that much of my unhappiness in marriage is due to my expectation of love to be shown in a certain way . . . and my withholding love when not feeling loved myself’” (Goddard 2009).

This short excerpt raises two very important points. 

1. Your partner may be showing love, just not in a way you receive or notice love. See the love languages test for more. 
2. You shouldn’t withhold love and affection just because you feel unloved. That may be when your partner needs it the most.

Forgiveness is a key element in a successful marriage. (The Family para. 7) It takes spiritual stamina and personal maturity to choose to forgive, to humble oneself, and to recognize that judgement is in the Lord’s hands. All of these things are within the realm of capability for each one of us. It is something to think and work on. Forgiving minor (and major) offenses will certainly lift unnecessary burdens from the shoulders of the spouse who is feeling hurt. 

When the offense is very great, the commandment to forgive all men is still unwavering. It can understandably be excruciatingly difficult. James E Faust shared the following story:

“A sister who had been through a painful divorce received some sound advice from her bishop: ‘Keep a place in your heart for forgiveness, and when it comes, welcome it in.’” (Faust 2007)

This is the advice I would give to anyone experiencing a major betrayal or hardship caused by another. Keep a place in your heart open. Do not fill that hole with wrath and indignation. It will take the Savior’s help. One phenomenal and surprising example of forgiveness is The Rassmussen’s story. After a premeditated murder of the father, the family takes steps toward forgiveness. (W.A .Christensen)

The small annoyances between spouses are minuscule in comparison to those heavy burdens. They are small but the feelings each person feels is real. It is a blessing that we do have a choice in how we work things out, and the level of selflessness we apply to the marriage. Selflessness and forgiveness are healing balms, while the Lord takes care of judgement for wrongdoings in His own time. 

The Family:A Proclamation to the World. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Faust (2007) The Healing Power of Forgiveness. Ensign, April.

Goddard (2009) Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage.

W. A. Christensen. Forgiveness Brings Peace. Enduring it Well, Episode 5.

A telltale sign of the corruption and destruction of a nation is the all-encompassing poison of pride. Pride can demolish relationships and social structures. It is pride that led to the utter destruction of the Nephite civilization (Moro. 8:27, D&C 38:39).

I think of pride as a spiritual illness. Here are just a few of the signs and symptoms (many if not all references can be found here):

• Forgetting the Lord (Deut. 8:14)
• Not seeking after God (Ps. 10:4)
• Trusting oneself more than God (2 Nephi 9:28-29)
• Contention (Prov. 13:10)
• Thinking you are wise (Isa. 5:21, 2 Nephi 9:28-29)
• Thinking you are “holier” than another person (Isa. 65:5)
• Envying (1 Tim. 6:4)

While this is not a comprehensive list, I’d bet just about everybody has dealt with some of these difficult symptoms of a prideful heart. It is the illness that strangely enough makes you feel better than you are, but if persists without treatment, will leave you feeling emptier than ever before. If you wonder about the true power that pride can have on your spiritual health, just read the words of Jacob: “O that ye would listen unto the words of his commands, and let not this pride of your hearts destroy your souls!” (Jacob 2:16).

What does this look like in a marriage?

In the beginning of my marriage, pride was evident in the way I thought of myself before my spouse. My emotions clouded my empathy. I also wanted things to be done my way.

Relationship scientist and author John Gottman dedicated a chapter to this principle: let your partner influence you. He supports the beliefs of Latter-Day Saints that husband and wife “are obligated to help each other as equal partners” (The Family para. 7, 1995) and that it is never consistent with religious beliefs of any kind to make decisions that leave your spouse feeling disrespected (Gottman 2015). Making unanimous decisions with full participation and proper presiding is patterned after decisions that the living apostles make and is an important pattern for marital councils (Keyes 2012).

Allowing yourself to be influenced by your spouse is a mark of humility. Just be sure to be a full participant by contributing your perspective. It is not enough to sit back and let your spouse make all the decisions. Nor is it proper to dominate your spouse. 

What to do if your spouse is ill with pride?

Check yourself, because you are probably ill with pride. The remedy for pride is repentance. The Lord Jesus Christ is your greatest friend and counselor. By reading the scriptures, praying, and doing the commandments, your hard heart will turn soft and you will be led by the Lord’s hand for personal guidance and direction. (D&C 112:10, 1 Nephi 17:13)

The Bible. (King James Version)

The Book of Mormon. Trans. Joseph Smith, Jr. Salt Lake City, UT: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

The Doctrine and Covenants of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Salt Lake City,UT: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1837. Section 112. 

Gottman (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Keyes, R. (2012, June) Counseling Together in Marriage. Ensign, p. 10. Retrieved from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2012/06/counseling-together-in-marriage?lang=eng

“By small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise.”

-Alma speaking to his son, Helaman (Alma 37:6) 

Relationship expert John Gottman teaches that all couples make “bids” for their spouse’s attention, support, humor, etc. This may be a simple request, a joke, a nudge, a comment whether salty or sweet, or as my husband likes to do, a little dance in my face to get my attention. When a person makes a bid for their spouse’s attention or support, the receiving spouse has two options: turn toward your spouse or turn away. Turning away may be due to apathy, anger, frustration, bitterness, or a number of other emotions. He assures readers that turning away is most often due to “mindlessness, not malice.” (Gottman 2015 p. 94) This mindlessness may be because one spouse is scrolling social media and doesn’t even notice their partner’s plea. It is in everyone’s best interest to train their ears and hearts to recognize the bids their spouse is giving off. 

“You don’t have to turn toward your partner in a very dramatic way to see the benefit. Just get started, and things will improve by themselves.”

-John Gottman

The bid may be an attempt at conversation and/or emotional support. One exercise in Gottman’s book encourages couples to practice “stress-reducing conversation” by showing genuine interest, communicating understanding with empathetic remarks, taking your partner’s side when they complain, showing affection, and validating emotions. Do not try to solve the problem unless you’ve established with your spouse that they want help solving the problem.

The advice that surprised me most was taking your partner’s side. “This means expressing support even if you think his or her perspective is unreasonable.” (Gottman 2015 p.100) This proves difficult when strong opinions surface. Gottman refers to this type of phony-feeling validating as similar to saying, “poor baby.” (Gottman 2015 p.102) It may not feel quite right to validate emotions you think are unreasonable, but the fact is, everyone has their emotions for a reason. To them, they are very reasonable. Their consciousness ought to be respected. Often just talking through the situation and recognizing feelings without judgement will help the person see the flaws in their thinking, if any.

If that exercise is too overwhelming, start small. Train your ears and heart to recognize bids, and then turn toward your spouse whenever possible. Gottman reminds couples everywhere that “being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas getaway.” (Gottman 2015 p.89) He asserts that “comical as it may sound, romance is strengthened in the supermarket isle when your partner asks, ‘are we out of butter?’ and you answer, ‘I don’t know. let me go get some just in case,” instead of shrugging apathetically.” (Gottman 2015 p.88)These small acts can truly rekindle and fan the flames of connection.

Gottman (2015) The Seven principles for Making Marriage Work.

Can you remember the day you met your spouse? What first attracted you to them? What did it feel like to start dating? What qualities did you find admirable in them? Does it seem like they have changed over the years? Finally, what is the thief of admiration?

Contempt is the culprit. It is not typical to become contemptuous overnight. To have contempt toward your spouse feels like you are on a higher plane than them. You may feel pity for them, mock them, or even think of them as a child you are caring for. Contempt is characterized by condescending tones and attitudes. Gottman, best-selling author of The Seven principles for Making Marriage Work details other manifestations of contempt and the implications of such an attitude: “name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery, and hostile humor . . . in whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust” (Gottman 2015 p.34).

It is impossible to admire someone that you deem unworthy. So you lose admiration for your spouse. You see them in a lesser light. You put up with them as if you’re a babysitter or you simply ignore them altogether. What’s the big deal? What are you really losing?

The truth is, you do have control over how you view your spouse. Your perception shift will affect your own happiness and sense of fulfillment in the relationship. Never forget that “the worth of souls is great in the sight of God” (D&C 18:10). You damage your own well-being when you think you’re better than your spouse.

“Fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt.”

John Gottman

So what is the remedy? Gottman presses that “fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt” (Gottman 2015 p.71). The problem is that many people don’t recognize the power they have within themselves to deliberately focus on the good that rests within their spouse. What you nurture will grow. Nurture admiration, not contempt. When your marriage is barely revivable, “the key to reinvigorating fondness and admiration is to get in the habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate” (Gottman 2015 p.71). When you scan something, you are only looking for one thing. Resist the urge to note the negative things you find during each scan. If you’re in the habit of negative scanning, it will take work to switch to the positive. Once you develop this habit, you will view your spouse in a whole new light. See Gottman’s website for more marriage help.

Gottman (2015) The Seven principles for Making Marriage Work.

In the heat of an argument have you ever just shut down? Perhaps you no longer comprehend the words your partner is saying, your heart may literally hurt, and you do all you can to avoid the situation that caused you such grief. If not, this post might not be relatable, but it will be informational. Emotional flooding is a sensation that leaves an individual “psychologically and physically overwhelmed” (Gottman 2000). When someone feels such distress, it’s only natural to seek refuge by abandoning the threat. This sensation is commonly known as the “fight or flight” response. Your body reacts the same whether the threat is your spouse or a ferocious wild animal. Persistent flooding in a relationship is a sign of trouble. Perhaps the simplest and most natural way to soothe the alarming effects of flooding is for the flooded individual to emotionally withdraw. When a partner gives up and emotionally withdraws, with time they and their spouse will lead separate but parallel lives, resulting in chronic loneliness. (Gottman 2000, p. 44) 

Stonewalling can be spotted easily because the partner just stops responding. It is known to be more common in men than women. In fact, it’s about an 85% to 15% ratio (Gottman 2000, p. 42) This, as many other things in life, can be explained with evolutionary theories. Think back to times when men would hunt and gather food and women would nurture children in their places of rest. Women need to relax to produce milk. Men must be “vigilant” to survive in the wild and retrieve food, therefore they became experts at perceiving threats and women became experts at deliberately relaxing. This was tried and true in Gottman’s lab. (Gottman 2000, p. 43) This is why you hear women complain about their husbands running away from marital conflict. In spite of all this, there are plenty of flooded, stonewalling women. 

This is just one of the various signs of divorce according to Gottman. What is the treatment for flooding and stonewalling? Flooding can be prevented by avoiding criticism and contempt to begin with. When the stone wall is put up, partners need to take a break from the conversation. The break should be at least 20 minutes of thinking of something other than the argument/problem at hand. This can be very frustrating for a spouse who is calm when conflict approaches and who wants to continue the conversation because to them, it feels like talking helps. If the one who is taking a break signifies that they will return, it will make a world of difference because the other spouse won’t feel abandoned. 

Gottman, J. (2000) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Nothing can teach profound truths quite like a primary song. Don’t mistake the catchy tune and simple rhymes as child’s play. One song in particular has been immensely relevant in my marriage relationship. The words go like this:

“I know you, and you know me. We are as diff’rent as the sun and the sea. I know you, and you know me. And that’s the way it is supposed to be. I help you, and you help me. We learn from problems and we’re starting to see, I help you and you help me. And that’s the way it is supposed to be. I love you, and you love me. We reach together for the best we can be. I love you and you love me. And that’s the way it is supposed to be.”

-Patricia Kelsey Graham, 1940

“We are as different as the sun and the sea.” 

This reminds me that men and women are different. Not just biologically (Sax 2005), but our spirits are different from each other, too. 

Elder Bednar said it this way:

“For divine purposes, male and female spirits are different, distinctive, and complementary” (Bednar 2006)

One of the most perpetuated falsehoods today is that men and women are interchangeable. The prophets proclaimed in 1995 that “gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.” (The Family 1995) It should be well known to a Latter-Day Saint that each parent has specific roles, and “in these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.” (The Family 1995) Have you ever noticed that equal does not mean the same? A man and a woman can be different but equal. Is this all sounding like bogus? It’s because these days it is common to call evil good, and good evil. (Isa 5:20, Prov 17:13) This is doctrine, and by definition doctrine will not change. When all is said and done, man and woman are still eternally, invariably distinct from each other.

“We Learn From Problems”

There is always a learning curve when you get married and/or start living with someone. To be sealed in the temple to your spouse is to enter a binding covenant with that individual and God. Covenant spouses do not seek out divorce as an escape when troubles arise. (Note that “troubles” in this case does not include severe circumstances such as abuse) I believe it is impossible to know what it’s really like to have troubles in marriage until you’re experiencing it. Book knowledge is not field knowledge. Reading and understanding the concepts of dealing with problems in marriage does not replace the physical pain in your chest that comes with real life problems + intense emotional investment. But that pain should not make the spouse run away. This life is all about gaining experience. As one of my favorite music artists puts it, “if you want love, you gon’ have to go through the pain.” (Feuerstein 2017) Problems are not a sign that your relationship is broken or falling apart. It’s a sign that it’s real. The only relationships that don’t require forgiveness are imaginary ones. 

“We Reach Together for the Best We Can Be.”

It can be hard to “reach together” when you feel so separate. How can two people who so perfectly clash come together? Marriage is a miracle and a mystery. A miracle because this feat can only be accomplished through Christ’s grace. It’s a mystery because there is much to uncover about marriage as God intends it. 

Elder Bednar stated, “the natures of male and female spirits complete and perfect each other, and therefore men and women are intended to progress together toward exaltation.” (Bednar 2006) 

This was immensely difficult to understand during my first year of marriage when I felt my husband and I spoke different languages. I have heard it clarified this way: Our innate differences will turn against us when we are selfish, but selflessness makes our differences complementary rather than clashing. The Lord commands us to “be one.” (D&C 38:27) This does not mean “be the same person.” It does mean, “be unified.” I find that the best way to do this is simultaneously and individually draw closer to Christ.

“And That’s the Way it’s Supposed to Be.” 

We are supposed to be different while becoming one in Christ. 

References

Bednar, D.A. (2006) Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan.

Family: A Proclamation to the World. (1995, November). Ensign, 25, p. 102.

Feuerstein, N. (2017) If You Want Love. Perception.

Graham P.K. (1940) We Are Different.

Sax, L. (2005) Why Gender Matters.