In the heat of an argument have you ever just shut down? Perhaps you no longer comprehend the words your partner is saying, your heart may literally hurt, and you do all you can to avoid the situation that caused you such grief. If not, this post might not be relatable, but it will be informational. Emotional flooding is a sensation that leaves an individual “psychologically and physically overwhelmed” (Gottman 2000). When someone feels such distress, it’s only natural to seek refuge by abandoning the threat. This sensation is commonly known as the “fight or flight” response. Your body reacts the same whether the threat is your spouse or a ferocious wild animal. Persistent flooding in a relationship is a sign of trouble. Perhaps the simplest and most natural way to soothe the alarming effects of flooding is for the flooded individual to emotionally withdraw. When a partner gives up and emotionally withdraws, with time they and their spouse will lead separate but parallel lives, resulting in chronic loneliness. (Gottman 2000, p. 44)
Stonewalling can be spotted easily because the partner just stops responding. It is known to be more common in men than women. In fact, it’s about an 85% to 15% ratio (Gottman 2000, p. 42) This, as many other things in life, can be explained with evolutionary theories. Think back to times when men would hunt and gather food and women would nurture children in their places of rest. Women need to relax to produce milk. Men must be “vigilant” to survive in the wild and retrieve food, therefore they became experts at perceiving threats and women became experts at deliberately relaxing. This was tried and true in Gottman’s lab. (Gottman 2000, p. 43) This is why you hear women complain about their husbands running away from marital conflict. In spite of all this, there are plenty of flooded, stonewalling women.
This is just one of the various signs of divorce according to Gottman. What is the treatment for flooding and stonewalling? Flooding can be prevented by avoiding criticism and contempt to begin with. When the stone wall is put up, partners need to take a break from the conversation. The break should be at least 20 minutes of thinking of something other than the argument/problem at hand. This can be very frustrating for a spouse who is calm when conflict approaches and who wants to continue the conversation because to them, it feels like talking helps. If the one who is taking a break signifies that they will return, it will make a world of difference because the other spouse won’t feel abandoned.
Gottman, J. (2000) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Higher Marriage 