Nothing can teach profound truths quite like a primary song. Don’t mistake the catchy tune and simple rhymes as child’s play. One song in particular has been immensely relevant in my marriage relationship. The words go like this:
“I know you, and you know me. We are as diff’rent as the sun and the sea. I know you, and you know me. And that’s the way it is supposed to be. I help you, and you help me. We learn from problems and we’re starting to see, I help you and you help me. And that’s the way it is supposed to be. I love you, and you love me. We reach together for the best we can be. I love you and you love me. And that’s the way it is supposed to be.”
-Patricia Kelsey Graham, 1940
“We are as different as the sun and the sea.”
This reminds me that men and women are different. Not just biologically (Sax 2005), but our spirits are different from each other, too.
Elder Bednar said it this way:
“For divine purposes, male and female spirits are different, distinctive, and complementary” (Bednar 2006)
One of the most perpetuated falsehoods today is that men and women are interchangeable. The prophets proclaimed in 1995 that “gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.” (The Family 1995) It should be well known to a Latter-Day Saint that each parent has specific roles, and “in these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.” (The Family 1995) Have you ever noticed that equal does not mean the same? A man and a woman can be different but equal. Is this all sounding like bogus? It’s because these days it is common to call evil good, and good evil. (Isa 5:20, Prov 17:13) This is doctrine, and by definition doctrine will not change. When all is said and done, man and woman are still eternally, invariably distinct from each other.
“We Learn From Problems”
There is always a learning curve when you get married and/or start living with someone. To be sealed in the temple to your spouse is to enter a binding covenant with that individual and God. Covenant spouses do not seek out divorce as an escape when troubles arise. (Note that “troubles” in this case does not include severe circumstances such as abuse) I believe it is impossible to know what it’s really like to have troubles in marriage until you’re experiencing it. Book knowledge is not field knowledge. Reading and understanding the concepts of dealing with problems in marriage does not replace the physical pain in your chest that comes with real life problems + intense emotional investment. But that pain should not make the spouse run away. This life is all about gaining experience. As one of my favorite music artists puts it, “if you want love, you gon’ have to go through the pain.” (Feuerstein 2017) Problems are not a sign that your relationship is broken or falling apart. It’s a sign that it’s real. The only relationships that don’t require forgiveness are imaginary ones.
“We Reach Together for the Best We Can Be.”
It can be hard to “reach together” when you feel so separate. How can two people who so perfectly clash come together? Marriage is a miracle and a mystery. A miracle because this feat can only be accomplished through Christ’s grace. It’s a mystery because there is much to uncover about marriage as God intends it.
Elder Bednar stated, “the natures of male and female spirits complete and perfect each other, and therefore men and women are intended to progress together toward exaltation.” (Bednar 2006)
This was immensely difficult to understand during my first year of marriage when I felt my husband and I spoke different languages. I have heard it clarified this way: Our innate differences will turn against us when we are selfish, but selflessness makes our differences complementary rather than clashing. The Lord commands us to “be one.” (D&C 38:27) This does not mean “be the same person.” It does mean, “be unified.” I find that the best way to do this is simultaneously and individually draw closer to Christ.
“And That’s the Way it’s Supposed to Be.”
We are supposed to be different while becoming one in Christ.
References
Bednar, D.A. (2006) Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan.
Family: A Proclamation to the World. (1995, November). Ensign, 25, p. 102.
Feuerstein, N. (2017) If You Want Love. Perception.
Graham P.K. (1940) We Are Different.
Sax, L. (2005) Why Gender Matters.
Higher Marriage 