Can you remember the day you met your spouse? What first attracted you to them? What did it feel like to start dating? What qualities did you find admirable in them? Does it seem like they have changed over the years? Finally, what is the thief of admiration?
Contempt is the culprit. It is not typical to become contemptuous overnight. To have contempt toward your spouse feels like you are on a higher plane than them. You may feel pity for them, mock them, or even think of them as a child you are caring for. Contempt is characterized by condescending tones and attitudes. Gottman, best-selling author of The Seven principles for Making Marriage Work details other manifestations of contempt and the implications of such an attitude: “name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery, and hostile humor . . . in whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust” (Gottman 2015 p.34).
It is impossible to admire someone that you deem unworthy. So you lose admiration for your spouse. You see them in a lesser light. You put up with them as if you’re a babysitter or you simply ignore them altogether. What’s the big deal? What are you really losing?
The truth is, you do have control over how you view your spouse. Your perception shift will affect your own happiness and sense of fulfillment in the relationship. Never forget that “the worth of souls is great in the sight of God” (D&C 18:10). You damage your own well-being when you think you’re better than your spouse.
“Fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt.”
John Gottman
So what is the remedy? Gottman presses that “fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt” (Gottman 2015 p.71). The problem is that many people don’t recognize the power they have within themselves to deliberately focus on the good that rests within their spouse. What you nurture will grow. Nurture admiration, not contempt. When your marriage is barely revivable, “the key to reinvigorating fondness and admiration is to get in the habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate” (Gottman 2015 p.71). When you scan something, you are only looking for one thing. Resist the urge to note the negative things you find during each scan. If you’re in the habit of negative scanning, it will take work to switch to the positive. Once you develop this habit, you will view your spouse in a whole new light. See Gottman’s website for more marriage help.
Gottman (2015) The Seven principles for Making Marriage Work.
Higher Marriage 