“By small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise.”
-Alma speaking to his son, Helaman (Alma 37:6)
Relationship expert John Gottman teaches that all couples make “bids” for their spouse’s attention, support, humor, etc. This may be a simple request, a joke, a nudge, a comment whether salty or sweet, or as my husband likes to do, a little dance in my face to get my attention. When a person makes a bid for their spouse’s attention or support, the receiving spouse has two options: turn toward your spouse or turn away. Turning away may be due to apathy, anger, frustration, bitterness, or a number of other emotions. He assures readers that turning away is most often due to “mindlessness, not malice.” (Gottman 2015 p. 94) This mindlessness may be because one spouse is scrolling social media and doesn’t even notice their partner’s plea. It is in everyone’s best interest to train their ears and hearts to recognize the bids their spouse is giving off.
“You don’t have to turn toward your partner in a very dramatic way to see the benefit. Just get started, and things will improve by themselves.”
-John Gottman
The bid may be an attempt at conversation and/or emotional support. One exercise in Gottman’s book encourages couples to practice “stress-reducing conversation” by showing genuine interest, communicating understanding with empathetic remarks, taking your partner’s side when they complain, showing affection, and validating emotions. Do not try to solve the problem unless you’ve established with your spouse that they want help solving the problem.
The advice that surprised me most was taking your partner’s side. “This means expressing support even if you think his or her perspective is unreasonable.” (Gottman 2015 p.100) This proves difficult when strong opinions surface. Gottman refers to this type of phony-feeling validating as similar to saying, “poor baby.” (Gottman 2015 p.102) It may not feel quite right to validate emotions you think are unreasonable, but the fact is, everyone has their emotions for a reason. To them, they are very reasonable. Their consciousness ought to be respected. Often just talking through the situation and recognizing feelings without judgement will help the person see the flaws in their thinking, if any.
If that exercise is too overwhelming, start small. Train your ears and heart to recognize bids, and then turn toward your spouse whenever possible. Gottman reminds couples everywhere that “being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas getaway.” (Gottman 2015 p.89) He asserts that “comical as it may sound, romance is strengthened in the supermarket isle when your partner asks, ‘are we out of butter?’ and you answer, ‘I don’t know. let me go get some just in case,” instead of shrugging apathetically.” (Gottman 2015 p.88)These small acts can truly rekindle and fan the flames of connection.
Gottman (2015) The Seven principles for Making Marriage Work.
Higher Marriage 