The week of studying same-sex marriage has been the ultimate test for me as a Christian. Those few days my concentrated study and prayer has provided me with tears and more questions. But that is good. I dug deep.

Church and state have always been separate in my mind. Same-sex marriage was legalized before I was a voting citizen. Though my mind and heart are overwhelmed with this topic, I can state what I believe to be true, all which are sanctioned by the church:

• There is a fundamental difference between the sexes. Both mothers and fathers are valuable in distinct ways.
• Same-sex attraction is a phenomenon that is very vivid, real, and simply a part of the mortal experience for those affected by it.
• Marriage as God intended it is not about “falling in love” and/or marrying because of romantic love.
• Love is not out of your control. You choose to love. Love is a verb. 

As opinions swirl, it was imperative for me to articulate these points. I could write an essay on each of these bullet points, but I won’t.

As I read the 2014 case of Obergefell vs. Hodges, several things stood out to me.

How Traditionalists May Be Treated in Coming Days

“I assume that those who cling to old beliefs will be able to whisper their thoughts in the recesses of their homes, but if they repeat those views in public, they will risk being labeled as bigots and treated as such by governments, employers, and schools.” (Alito, J. 2014) 

Indeed, if the day comes when proponents of traditional marriage are given a derogatory label on-sight, America will be plagued with yet another discrimination issue. Now think for a moment on how many times you’ve heard the word “gay” used as a derogatory term. The hate that gay people receive is very sad, and is compared with racism. It has been put this way in the song Same Love:

“‘Gay’ is synonymous with the lesser

It’s the same hate that’s caused wars from religion

Gender to skin color, the complexion of your pigment.” 

(Mackelmore, Lewis R., 2012)

If it is assumed that proponents of traditional marriage are hateful and bigoted, there will be serious implications. This is perhaps one reason why judging others is a great sin; representatives of Jesus Christ, or Christians who have taken Christ’s name upon themselves, are expected to be unconditionally loving just as Christ is. Racism is obviously wrong. Will traditional marriage be viewed as wrong as racism? We must prevent that from happening.

What Else Will Change?

“Changes in family structure and in the popular understanding of marriage and the family can have profound effects. Past changes in the understanding of marriage—for example, the gradual ascendance of the idea that romantic love is a prerequisite to marriage—have had far-reaching consequences . . . We can expect something similar to take place if same-sex marriage becomes widely accepted.” (Alito, J. 2014) 

We aren’t sure how this acceptance of same-sex marriage will change our future generations, but we know things will change. Mindsets and norms will change. We already can see that some schools are teaching children about gender. (Gender Spectrum 2019) Because some religions have core values centered on gender, this creates a big problem for parents that are slacking at home. What isn’t addressed at home will be learned elsewhere. 

It’s All About Love

Finally, the need for love has never been greater. Love takes time, patience, forgiveness and understanding. Both sides need it. Christ loved those who did not follow Him. We can too. Not everyone will love you back. But Christians must “do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.” (Matthew 5:44)

Jesus understood that the path to happiness in this life and the next was keeping the commandments. For this reason, he preached unto all. “For whom the Lord loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.” (Proverbs 3:12) What does that mean for those who have received the path to lasting joy? Sharing beloved doctrine may feel like correcting or preaching, but it can truly be a way to show love.

For a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, meeting a member of the quorum of the 12 apostles is like traveling back in time to meet Paul from the New Testament. Church members believe that there are apostles of Jesus Christ walking on the Earth today. Naturally, as devout Christians seeking to have more of Jesus’ influence in our lives and relationships, we choose to subscribe to the inspired words of the living prophets and apostles “as if from [God’s] own mouth.” (D&C 21:5) 

As my husband and I sat in the BYU-Idaho auditorium we were pleased to be in the presence of Jeffery R. Holland, a living apostle and special witness of Jesus Christ. It was a meeting especially for married people; we were surrounded by married couples of all ages. Many subjects were spoken of in that meeting, but one of the most impactful to us was divorce. 

When an apostle speaks under the direction of the Holy Spirit, it is considered scripture. (D&C 68:4) When principles are repeated by several apostles, it can then be considered doctrine. (Bednar 2011) I cannot say if what Elder Holland said is doctrine or not without further study, but I offer my witness to his words.

He stated that “divorce is the exception, not the rule,” and “when you truly need a divorce, you’ll know it, God will know it, and your priesthood leaders will know it.” 

It is commonplace for an average person in distress to think of themselves as “the exception,” which leads to unnecessary divorce and heartache. Sadly, there are also those who are “the exception” and do not realize how badly they need a divorce. 

How might an individual know which one they are? 

President James E. Faust taught that marriage is a sacred covenant, and confessed that he does not “claim the wisdom or authority to definitively state what is ‘just cause’” for breaking the marriage covenant. He continued, “in my opinion, ‘just cause’ should be nothing less serious than a prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship which is destructive of a person’s dignity as a human being.

At the same time, I have strong feelings about what is not provocation for breaking the sacred covenants of marriage. Surely it is not simply ‘mental distress,’ nor ‘personality differences,’ nor having ‘grown apart,’ nor having ‘fallen out of love.’” (Faust 1993)

Though President Faust made it clear that this was his opinion, his comments are consistent with what Elder Holland taught. These opinions from the Lord’s servants are definitely something to consider while formulating our own opinions. 

I aspire to live by President Faust’s words in my own marriage. I am blessed with an assurance that my spouse is neither abusive nor manipulative in nature. That means I don’t even begin to approach the kinds of decisions a victim may face. It is also each person’s duty to ensure they weed abusive or manipulative tendencies out of their own character to prevent hurting their spouse. I sincerely hope the Lord reveals my character maladies so they may be purged.

Faust also shares that for most marriage problems, the remedy is repentance rather than divorce. I strongly support that idea. I also support the notion that each situation should be carefully assessed and counseled with priesthood leaders and where helpful, trustworthy professionals that respect the couple’s morals. My heart extends to those who were abandoned by their former spouse.

It is my hope that those marriages which can be saved by repentance may undergo that healing process, while those marriages that are irrevocably dead and dangerous are treated accordingly.

References

Bednar (2011) Increase in Learning

Faust (1993) Father, Come Home

Holland (2018) 

This blog began as an assignment for a marriage class.