When I was newly married, there was a disagreement that seemed impossible to resolve because we both had deeply rooted core values that we were unwilling to give up. We were trying to resolve an unresolvable problem. Statistically speaking, most marital problems are unresolvable or “perpetual” (Gottman 2015 p.138). That does not mean they have to be a great source of pain and conflict! Gottman noted this about reaching compromise with perpetual problems: “your purpose is not to solve the conflict . . . Instead, the goal is to defang the issue, to try to remove the hurt so that the problem stops being a source of great pain” (Gottman 2015 p.253). For my husband and I, each time we talked about the issue, we both felt unheard, unsupported, and that our greatest personal dreams were threatened. In the end, if I’m being truthful, I think he surrendered some of his core value for the sake of keeping peace between us. I was somewhat satisfied but less so when I noticed he couldn’t do it whole-heartedly. It seemed he was miserable with his new reality. Defeated. Neither of us got what we wanted. John Gottman teaches that “neither of you has to ‘give in’ or ‘lose.’ The goal is to be able to acknowledge and discuss the issue without hurting each other” (Gottman 2015 p. 237).
The key to this sort of productive conversation is in kicking criticism to the curb by focusing on assessing and articulating your underlying dreams. The reason these conflicts hurt so deeply is that they are built upon dreams “rooted in childhood” (Gottman 2015 p.238). In Gottman’s book we read about Brandon and Ashley. Brandon had a dream of being “free in [his] own home” because his mother was “very concerned with appearances,” “kept the house overly neat,” and was always bugging him about being clean (Gottman 2015 p.245). His wife Ashley had a dream of “predictability, security, and peacefulness” which she didn’t have in her childhood and successfully felt through being clean and orderly in her own home (Gottman 2015 p.246). Just by learning of each other’s dreams, couples will start to understand and feel more willing to support each other. This is just the first step. Perpetual problems like these will never go away and they arise in every marriage. The wonderful news is that they do not have to be a source of deep pain.
I believe the Lord will strengthen us much like he strengthened those as recorded in Mosiah 24:14-15.
“And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs . . . And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord” (Book of Mormon).
This is not to say that our fate lies in the Lord’s hands. We make decisions that determine destiny (Monson 2005) and work out our salvation (Book of Mormon, Alma 34:37). Making decisions and acting for ourselves is a key necessity of life. It takes effort to work through problems in a marriage. But we are not left to our own strength to accomplish the task.
The Book of Mormon. Trans. Joseph Smith, Jr. Salt Lake City, UT: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Gottman (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Monson (2005) Decisions Determine Destiny. BYU Speeches.
Higher Marriage 