Think of minor annoyances and disagreements between new spouses that are still figuring each other out. Why can forgiving the small things be so hard? At times individuals feel that the unfair situation won’t be corrected until the offense is acknowledged as wrong and worthy of punishment. So they hold on tight to their hurt feelings, assuming it will grant them the validation they deserve while their partners fail to apologize and comfort them. People today may feel that being treated as they want to be treated is a human right. They withhold affection if their partner isn’t being affectionate. They think their partner deserves affection only when they are being kind and pleasant. When expectations go unmet and minor agreements are trampled underfoot, they withhold affection because they don’t feel their partner deserves it or they don’t want to award bad behavior, much like training an immature puppy. This condescending pattern of thought is not helpful. Critical thoughts, even when never spoken aloud, will negatively affect spousal relationships. Don’t deny yourself the pleasures that can be found within a loving relationship.
I loved these insights from Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage:
“Recently a good man wrote to me with a great insight: ‘I have realized that much of my unhappiness in marriage is due to my expectation of love to be shown in a certain way . . . and my withholding love when not feeling loved myself’” (Goddard 2009).
This short excerpt raises two very important points.
- Your partner may be showing love, just not in a way you receive or notice love. See the love languages test for more.
- You shouldn’t withhold love and affection just because you feel unloved. That may be when your partner needs it the most.
Forgiveness is a key element in a successful marriage. (The Family para. 7) It takes spiritual stamina and personal maturity to choose to forgive, to humble oneself, and to recognize that judgement is in the Lord’s hands. All of these things are within the realm of capability for each one of us. It is something to think and work on. Forgiving minor (and major) offenses will certainly lift unnecessary burdens from the shoulders of the spouse who is feeling hurt.
When the offense is very great, the commandment to forgive all men is still unwavering. It can understandably be excruciatingly difficult. James E Faust shared the following story:
“A sister who had been through a painful divorce received some sound advice from her bishop: ‘Keep a place in your heart for forgiveness, and when it comes, welcome it in.’” (Faust 2007)
This is the advice I would give to anyone experiencing a major betrayal or hardship caused by another. Keep a place in your heart open. Do not fill that hole with wrath and indignation. It will take the Savior’s help. One phenomenal and surprising example of forgiveness is The Rassmussen’s story. After a premeditated murder of the father, the family takes steps toward forgiveness. (W.A .Christensen)
The small annoyances between spouses are minuscule in comparison to those heavy burdens. They are small but the feelings each person feels is real. It is a blessing that we do have a choice in how we work things out, and the level of selflessness we apply to the marriage. Selflessness and forgiveness are healing balms, while the Lord takes care of judgement for wrongdoings in His own time.
The Family:A Proclamation to the World. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
Faust (2007) The Healing Power of Forgiveness. Ensign, April.
Goddard (2009) Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage.
W. A. Christensen. Forgiveness Brings Peace. Enduring it Well, Episode 5.
Higher Marriage 