I was 19 when I remember first hearing that “you shouldn’t talk to your parents about your marriage issues. That’s a no-no.” I was surprised at the idea. Not talk to your parents? But I tell my mom everything, I thought. Especially the things that are upsetting me.
I’m grateful that I learned that lesson several years before getting married so it was never an issue. In fact, I was a bit too closed to talking with my mother. To the point where I practically shut her out. Also not a good idea.
The Bible teaches all men and women to leave their father and mother and cleave unto someone new (Genesis 3, KJV). It can be a daunting task, but we don’t have to sever family ties completely. Elder Marvin J Ashton expounded upon the famous Bible verse about leaving father and mother: “In leaving father [and] mother . . . it was never intended that they now be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted. They are still family, a great source of strength” (Ashton 1974).
Where, then, lies the boundary?
The idea of creating a martial identity separate from that of in-laws or others is perpetuated in the book Helping and Healing Our Families. One method of creating a distinct marital identity is explained as follows: “It helps a newly married couple to think of themselves as existing together inside an invisible fence. They share information and behavior with each other inside that fence, and that information and behavior is not meant to be shared with others outside the fence-not with future children and certainly not with parents-in-law” (Harper 2005).
To step outside of the fence by complaining to a parent about your spouse’s behavior can be seen as a sign of betrayal, and it should. Have you ever felt closer to a parent than to your spouse? Or bonded with a parent at your spouse’s expense? Triangulation is a term everyone should learn. It occurs “when communication either builds a stronger relationship with the parent than with the spouse, or excludes the spouse” (Harper 2005). At times when triangulation has caused spouses to drift apart, repair is needed. That invisible fence can serve as a great protection to your marriage. Have the conversations that are needed today to strengthen your marriage and redefine boundaries.
Ashton, M.J. (1974). “He took Him by the Hand.” Ensign.
Harper (2005). “Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families.” Helping and Healing Our Families.
the parent than with the spouse, or excludes the spouse” (Harper 2005).
Higher Marriage 